The Shadowed Thoughts of Silas McBane #8: Kicking the Bucket

 I live out in the country.  Like out in-the-middle-of-nowhere country.  I love it here.  I grew up very secluded, on a horse ranch in Nowhereseville, Wyoming.  A bizarre upbringing for a future goth and musician, I know.  But peace, quiet, landscape and countryside have always been my sanctuary since I was a little boy.  One of my favorite things to do is go outside of a clear night, sit on my front porch, and just think about the universe.  I solve the world's problems in my mind on those evenings.  I think of all of the really important stuff in life, from pizza toppings to politics to religion to reality television.  I tackle it all from that cool, concrete platform.  A little while ago, I began contemplating my bucket list.  For those among you who are not "in the know," a bucket list is simply a list comprised of all the tiny and gigantic things I'd like to accomplish before I "kick the bucket."  Hence, "bucket" list.  If you'll be kind enough to keep it our little secret, I'd like to share my bucket list with you.

(In no particular order)

1.  Visit Ireland and Germany (as I'm of equal Irish and German heritage)
2. Take a cruise
3. Take a hot air balloon ride
4. Meet my other half
5. Marry my other half
6. Spoil my grandkids
7. Get a book or article published
8. Own a mid-late 60s Lincoln
9. Visit every state in the U.S.
10. Play music and perform in front of thousands at one time
11. Get a college degree
12. Scuba dive
13. Repay my parents
14. Take a helicopter tour of Mount Rushmore (an obsession of mine)
15. Save someone's life
16. Write "THE" song
17. Drive a Corvette
18. Watch my children succeed
19. Go to Vegas
20. Eat an In&Out burger

Proudly, to date, I have actually accomplished numbers 7, 10, 16, 19 and 20.  Incidentally, you are proving my success regarding number 7.  Congratulations.  Number 4 is mysterious, but I have a potential candidate in mind (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).  Everything else is just something I want to achieve/do/have.  Believe me, I'm working on a number of things on this list.  I want to accomplish every single thing on it.  I will accomplish every single thing on it.

 

 What a brilliantly beautiful voyage of self-discovery.  Have you a bucket list, my friend?  If not, put "writing a bucket list" on your bucket list.
 

                                  -Silas McBane

The Shadowed Thoughts of Silas McBane #7: Meet Yourself, Part #2 (a how-To)

 *Deep breath*  Lots to cover in a short space, friends.  Let me first say how much love I have for the beautifully dark community.  I have met and am proud to know some of the most amazing human beings I've ever met through the gothic community and I, for one, am so proud of our family and culture.  But something is missing, friends.  A lot is missing, truthfully.  This world needs us, and we're doing so very little.  You're no doubt wondering for what purpose the world needs us.  The world needs you and I like it needs the doctor, the artist, the teacher, the construction worker, the dancer, the architect, the musician, the poet, the CEO, etc.  Sadly, I see within the goth community a very lax mentality that reeks of defeat.  Strong words, I know.  But it seems for every foot of ground we gain we sometimes lose two more because we don't know ourselves, we don't pursue our dreams and we drift off into a darkly-dressed vortex of mediocrity.  Let me whisper a secret in your ear:  I want to be great.

 I have several goals, dreams, visions, whatever you want to call them.  I'm actively pursuing every single one right now.  It was not always this way.  I, much like so many of you, had once upon a time accepted the cold, draining grip of the status quo.  "Whatever I will be, I will be," I used to think.  It seems I would have just accepted whatever life would throw at me and refuse to admit that I could change my stars.  Boy, was I wrong.  I began to think about myself.  Yeah, that sounds narcissistic, but hear me out.  I started dismantling my life internally, examining my thoughts, digging so very deep beneath my own surface.  As I started to understand myself, I realized that I have value.  I have talent.  I have dreams!  I have a destiny, should I choose to accept it. 

 So, let's be practical.  Yes, I had to start working my tail off.  I had to figure out what I wanted to do and then I had to start thinking about how to do it.  One thing was for sure, after catching a hold of what dreams I wanted to make come true, all Hell couldn't stop me.  So I started doing it, little by little, day by day, I kept doing the things that got me closer to my goals.  After a while (and several shortcomings and disappointments), I started seeing it all happen.  Have you ever seen the finish line after a long race?  No feeling compares.  THAT is what's lacking in our community.  Drive.  Effort.  The unflinching belief that the world will be a richer place when it sees what we have to offer. 

Summarizing, I have to ask:  Do you know you?  If you don't, I encourage you to take that journey.  If you do, get out there and do it.  More than ever, this world needs us.

 

                                  -Silas McBane

The Shadowed Thoughts of Silas McBane #6: Meet Yourself, Part #1

Okay, let's be straight.  In the time we spend getting to know one another via this brilliant publication, you'll see a variety of moods and sides from your friend Silas.  I'll lift you up, make you laugh, incur your wrath and at times utterly confuse you.  Safe to say I'll be all over the place.  But I don't necessarily want to introduce you to me.  I want to introduce you to YOU.  Yes, you.  I don't think you even know who you are.  You know what you like, dislike, what you want, don't want, etc.  But do you really know who you are?  You are brilliant.  You are gifted, talented, beautiful in ways many will never experience or comprehend.  You are a blueprint for success.  Look, we know we're different.  That's a widely understood view among the wonderfully dark community.  Are you just different because you dress differently, or is there something much deeper?  The latter, I think. 

 So what I'm saying is this:  Until you know you, you'll wander aimlessly about this world just looking and behaving differently, but never accomplishing anything of note.  I, for one, decided some time ago that if I'm going to be different, as I seemingly was predestined to be, then I'm going to be different for a reason.  A purpose.  Not just different, but a difference.  Dig?  You can do things no one else can do.  There are gifts, talents, ideas, inspirations, dreams and all sorts of wild notions scratching and clawing beneath your exterior and I think you know it.  What's stopping you?  What holds you back?  You can be you in the most amazing way anyone could be.  But it takes courage.  It takes effort.  It takes (brace yourself for a four-letter word) WORK.  We all have a greatness inside somewhere.  It's impossible to be a human being and not possess some level of brilliance.  My advice to you:  Stop just dressing different.  BE different and BE AMAZING!  Next time we meet, I'll start telling you how.  Stick with me.  It's gonna be good.

 

                                  -Silas McBane

The Shadowed Thoughts of Silas McBane #5: The Green Grass of Bitter Winter

That spot of grass over there
It stays green, even in coldest winter
Could it choose to fight, to live?
Does it differ so from other grasses?
It's so cold
It's so dark
Day after bitter day
You live
You thrive
You survive
I say a prayer of thanks to the universe
For artificial turf

 

                                  -Silas McBane

The Shadowed Thoughts of Silas McBane #4: Perfect World

 Let's say the world, more specifically your world, were perfect.  What might that look like?  Would you have all of things items and toys you've ever wanted?  Would you have the perfect job?  No job?  The perfect mate?  Piles of money?  Have you ever thought about it?  See, I have this naïve notion about humanity.  I believe that, for the most part, people are intrinsically good.  Somewhere deep, deep down, people want to be fulfilled from their souls, not from their wallets.  We want to be internally joyous, not externally.  I wonder how many of us would accept the offer of perpetual peace for the rest of our lives in place of riches and greatness.  I wonder if I could accept such an offer, although I know it's that for which my soul cries out.

 I met an interesting fellow the other day.  He was homeless.  He was dirty, hungry, alone and had virtually nothing in his possession aside from his filthy clothes and a tattered backpack filled with who-knows-what.  I saw him in a parking lot.  He approached me and instantly I thought he'd ask me for money.  To my surprise, he did not.  He saw me reach in my pocket and he informed me he wasn't interested in money.  He had no use for it, he claimed.  He simply wanted to know the time.  That's all he wanted!  We chatted for a few brief moments and he told me he lives the way he does by choice, not because he was thrust into it by some twist of fate or dramatic misfortune.  He simply wanted to gracefully bow out of the world's system and find his own way.  Obviously, that isn't a choice many of us would make, but it's what he decided his soul wanted after years and years of toil and stress.  He was peaceful.  He was happy.  He was free.

 Never would I advocate anyone make that choice.  However, to each his/her own.  That's not necessarily my path to peace and happiness, but I'll admit it did sound awfully appealing the way he described it.  It's not the whole homeless aspect that moved me, mind you.  It was the sense of peace and freedom he had achieved.  That took tremendous courage for him to make that decision.

 So, after much consideration, I think I could use a re-evaluation of my life.  Where it's going, what I want/need, etc.  I'm inspired.  Funny thing, inspiration.  It leads us to fantastically amazing conclusions and, if we so allow, wondrous free adventures and peace. 

                                  -Silas McBane

Re: The Shadowed Thoughts of Silas McBane #4: Perfect World

 Let's say the world, more specifically your world, were perfect.  What might that look like?  Would you have all of things items and toys you've ever wanted?  Would you have the perfect job?  No job?  The perfect mate?  Piles of money?  Have you ever thought about it?  See, I have this naïve notion about humanity.  I believe that, for the most part, people are intrinsically good.  Somewhere deep, deep down, people want to be fulfilled from their souls, not from their wallets.  We want to be internally joyous, not externally.  I wonder how many of us would accept the offer of perpetual peace for the rest of our lives in place of riches and greatness.  I wonder if I could accept such an offer, although I know it's that for which my soul cries out.

 I met an interesting fellow the other day.  He was homeless.  He was dirty, hungry, alone and had virtually nothing in his possession aside from his filthy clothes and a tattered backpack filled with who-knows-what.  I saw him in a parking lot.  He approached me and instantly I thought he'd ask me for money.  To my surprise, he did not.  He saw me reach in my pocket and he informed me he wasn't interested in money.  He had no use for it, he claimed.  He simply wanted to know the time.  That's all he wanted!  We chatted for a few brief moments and he told me he lives the way he does by choice, not because he was thrust into it by some twist of fate or dramatic misfortune.  He simply wanted to gracefully bow out of the world's system and find his own way.  Obviously, that isn't a choice many of us would make, but it's what he decided his soul wanted after years and years of toil and stress.  He was peaceful.  He was happy.  He was free.

 Never would I advocate anyone make that choice.  However, to each his/her own.  That's not necessarily my path to peace and happiness, but I'll admit it did sound awfully appealing the way he described it.  It's not the whole homeless aspect that moved me, mind you.  It was the sense of peace and freedom he had achieved.  That took tremendous courage for him to make that decision.

 So, after much consideration, I think I could use a re-evaluation of my life.  Where it's going, what I want/need, etc.  I'm inspired.  Funny thing, inspiration.  It leads us to fantastically amazing conclusions and, if we so allow, wondrous free adventures and peace. 

                                  -Silas McBane

The Shadowed Thoughts of Silas McBane #3: Ode to a Hole

I'm safe now
Safe and sound
Away from the world
My hole in the ground
I see only me
And light invades not
And here I will stay
Whether cold or hot
I'm safe now
Many moons under my belt
My hole in the ground
My tornado shelt…er

 

                                  -Silas McBane

The Shadowed Thoughts of Silas McBane #2: A Life to Save

The simplicity of it all is staggering.  To simply end your life, or to save it.  I have that power, you know.  But, what a weighty decision!  I can hardly breathe from the magnitude of it all.  Oh, I've watched you.  Back and forth, from here to there, all the while knowing my patience was growing thin, so very thin.  Your comings and goings have been so sinister of late.  It's a dare!  That's what it is!  You're daring me to do what you think I don't have the fortitude or will to do!  How dare you dare me!  Have I not given you a place of solitude?  Have I not, willingly or otherwise, provided abundant sustenance?  I remember a time when I regarded you as a guest.  Then, simply a presence.  This slowly evolved into nuisance, then unwelcome trespasser, and now I simply cannot stand the sight of you!  Yes, I must do it.  I do tremble.  It's unnatural, having you here, really.  Perhaps I could engage someone else to carry out the deed, but that would only prolong my misery and thus delay my reacquisition of the freedom I feel you've taken from me.  But even now, as I look at you, this sadness!  I've made up my mind that I must snuff the spark of your life or toil in agony until one of us eventually succumbs to illness or time.  The decision is made.  Oh, this knot in my stomach.  I could just faint!  I've got you in a corner and it's now or…never.  But…I would miss your company.  Not often, just every once in a while.  Just at those times when the presence of another brings just the slightest comfort and relief.  And sometimes, just sometimes, that makes all the difference in the world.  Oh, me.  My heart does not allow me to take a life.  I must rescind.  I release you from this corner, I beg your forgiveness for even the mere contemplation of killing you.  I see now that I may not value my life above yours.  Let us be free in this place together, old friend.  Soon again shall I see you, and more welcoming then, for certain.  Flee, little cockroach.  Flee.

 

-Silas McBane

The Shadowed Thoughts of Silas McBane #1: Take It All Off

That's right, take it off.  Take it all off.  The clothes, the shoes, the hairdo, the makeup, the jewelry, the scowl, and every single thing you think gives you your identity.  Get rid of it.  Why, you ask?  Because we have to from time to time.  Because you and I get so attached to our outward identity that we become separated from the things that really make us who we are.  Please understand, I'm not talking down to anyone, here.  I do it, too.  I seldom leave the house without looking the way I want people to see me.  And for the record, I don't feel like there's anything really wrong with that.  However, we get in that pattern and observe that routine and the subsequent mentality for too long sometimes and it cripples our self-perception.  I have been told before that the outward is a reflection of the inward.  I used to agree with that, but I don't anymore.  I am pierced.  I am very tattooed.  I have been unfairly judged and criticized for these things.  But that's the natural byproduct of choosing to look and express myself in such ways.  So, as a result of my appearance, I have to try just that much harder to rally against the general perception of people that look like I do, and prove to people that I have a soul, a heart, and am capable of doing tremendous good.  Kinda the whole "random acts of kindness" thing, you dig?  The decision I made a long time ago was to occasionally take time away from my "image" and just be me without it.  It's very healthy and keeps me balanced and centered, and it ultimately keeps me free from the grip of narcissism and ego.  Don't we all want to change the perception of the gothic community?  I know I do.  It starts with me being me.  It starts with you being you.

 

-Silas McBane